“A bend in the road is not the end of the road, unless you fail to make the turn.”
Helen Keller
At the risk of stating the obvious, nothing is permanent. Sometimes, that comes as welcome news as we look ahead to brighter days. Other times, the reality of change can bring pain, fear, and confusion. Whether we welcome or fight them, changes still come. Changes to your:
Health
Job or career (layoffs, promotions, career changes, going back to school, retirement)
Family (marriage, divorce, new baby, remarrying/blending families, “empty nesting”)
Responsibilities or roles (becoming a caregiver for a child, spouse, parent or other loved one, becoming a step-parent or a foster parent)
Physical location
Finances
And the list goes on…
Some changes are so big they shake our very foundation; our view of the world. They can impact our:
Sense of purpose
Sense of self
Sense of safety
Sense of predictability
Feelings of control
Hopes and dreams
Assumptions and expectations
Belief in fairness
And the list goes on…
The first step is not acceptance
It’d be so neat and tidy to say simply “accept the change and move on.” In the real world, adjusting to change is rarely as easy as people (even well-meaning ones) and the greeting card industry make it sound. It’s not like flipping a light switch. In fact, it can often feel like the change has burned out the bulb entirely and no amount of flipping the switch is going to turn that light back on.
The role of grief in change
Changes, even “good” changes, can create a sense of grief over the loss of what use to be. (For example, getting married and becoming a parent are wonderful, intoxicating changes to be savored. Even with them, it’s understandable to feel a sense of loss of the freedom single life affords, or the spontaneity not being a parent allows.) That grief can be even more acute when you didn’t ask for the change; when it’s a change you didn’t anticipate, didn’t want, and wish you could have avoided. I believe before you can accept the change, you have to acknowledge the loss of what was and come to terms with the grief that loss has created.
What we can work on together
I think some changes are so hard to adjust to because we skip over the necessary first few steps. And when I say “steps,” I don’t mean to imply that change is a simple 1-2-3-Ta-daa kind of process. The steps can be – especially for unwanted changes – messy, cyclical, unpredictable, and painful. Working together, my hope is that you’ll discover the strength to:
Grieve what used to be
Honor what was
Accept what is (including what you do and do not have control over)
Cope with your new reality
Create meaning from your new reality and from the changes themselves
By exploring these areas together, you can regain a sense of personal power, and purpose. That might include identifying and changing your expectations, your behaviors, or when possible, changing the situation (or at least the aspects of the situation that are under your control).