A diamond in the muck
The importance of friends who stand with you through the worst of life
If you’ve read any of my past posts, you know my office is on a small ranch and I often work with horses to help my clients. And, you may also recall that I pick up horse poop. A lot of it.
A few weeks ago, I was having a rough day. You see, I’m on my own grief journey, as you may be too. And if you are, you know that some days are just tougher than others. As I often do when I’m having a tough day, I made my way to the ranch. It never fails to amaze me how comforting it is simply to be in the presence of the horses. I don’t even necessarily have to interact with them to feel more at peace; it’s enough to be near them and walk amongst them. (This might sound like hippy-dippy magical thinking, and a lot of people call it magic. In reality, there are specific, biological and evolutionary reasons that this sharing of the horses’ peaceful energy is very real. But I’m going off on a tangent. That’s a topic for another time.)
Anyhow, on this day, I said hello to the horses, grabbed a rake and a wheelbarrow and began picking up poop (politely called “mucking”). I hadn’t been doing it long when I felt warm air on the back of my neck. I looked over my shoulder and came nose to nose with 1,100 pounds of curious horse. He had wandered over to check on my work, I imagined. But it was more than that, too. It was as if he knew I was having a harder day and came over to say, “I’ve got your back, man.” (Reference my tangent up above. This was not magic. Horses are evolutionarily wired with this ability.)
Foxhole friends
That moment with the horse made me think of what I call “foxhole friends.” They’re the friends who don’t hesitate to jump into the foxhole with you when the loss bombs start falling and the grief bullets start flying. Maybe you already have one of two of these godsends around you. Maybe you ARE one of them. They’re the diamonds in the muck of life. They’re the people who literally hold you up when you’re crying so hard you can’t stand. The ones who sustain you when you’re too despondent to cook, clean, or go to the store. They’re the friends who listen without judgment, comfort without advising, and stand next to you when you feel the most alone. And they’re the ones who aren’t looking around for a way to retreat. They stay by your side through it all.
No recipes
There’s no recipe for being a foxhole friend; no secret sauce. Anyone can be one. It doesn’t take training, or special wisdom, or just the right words. It requires courage, patience, and compassion, however those might show themselves. Mostly, though, it just takes presence. A willingness to be there, outside your comfort zone and smack dab in the middle of your friend’s war zone.
There’s also no recipe for finding a foxhole friend. You just know one when you see one. Or, maybe more accurately, you know one when you feel it. It could be a family member, a neighbor, a golf buddy, or even a stranger. In fact, sometimes the most unexpected people jump into your foxhole. And, sometimes the most expected people turn out not to be equipped for that mission. That can really sting. I’ve known friendships to end because of it. Still, I try not to judge the people who stand safely on the sidelines. They’re on their own journeys and they may be dodging their own grief bullets. Or maybe your foxhole reminds them too much of their own loss bombs from which they’re still recovering.
An invitation
My invitation to you, if you find yourself hunkered down in a war zone of your own, is to reach out to the friends you trust most. Let them know what you need. Sometimes, our pain is so obvious that foxhole friends know to jump in, but even the best foxhole friend isn’t a mind reader. Or he or she may be ready to jump in but be honoring your need for space, or hesitant to assume you need support. Either way, there’s no shame in calling for reinforcements. And if it turns out your go-to person just can’t go there, try not to take it personally. You already have enough on your mind and in your heart. Turn to somebody else who may be more equipped and willing to go there. Even just one foxhole friend can be a true life-saver.
About the author
Dave Wyner is a Licensed Professional Counselor, National Certified Counselor, Certified Clinical Trauma Professional, and Certified Grief Counseling Specialist with a practice in Louisville, Colorado called A Path Forward Counseling. He’s passionate about helping people rebuild their lives and thrive again after painful losses or traumatic experiences. His abiding desire is to help people affected by trauma and grief tap into their own strength, courage, and resilience in order to find meaning and purpose in their lives. In addition to traditional office-based counseling, he also offers equine-assisted psychotherapy with a herd of six horses at a small, private ranch. In his spare time, Dave enjoys hiking the beautiful Front Range with his wife and dog, nature photography, and catering to the two cats who graciously allow him to live in their house.